Direct Answers – Column for the week of December 20, 2004
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Flight Delay
I have been dating my girlfriend for four years. Our desired lifestyles differ. I've always had a strong desire for social relationships outside of our relationship. She, on the other hand, only requires a lifestyle which includes me. Outside of work, she spends all her time with me.
This difference could be overshadowed by our love, but she too often conveys intolerable negativity when my desire for society doesn't correspond to her desire to be solely with me. Sometimes she is sad. More often she portrays frustration and anger. She says mean things, makes unpleasant facial expressions, or clams-up.
Her negativity leads to my intense stress. It is difficult to judge whether it's worse being void of social relationships, or if it's worse dealing with her negativity. We've had conversations, arguments, fights, negotiations, and compromises to end this negativity, all to no avail.
Strangely, every time she exudes her negativity, it's as if we never discussed the matter. I regret not taking advantage of my social opportunities. When I look into the future, I fear how these regrets might evolve. It is painful to imagine our relationship continuing on the path it's currently on. The difficulty arises when figuring out a way to change it.
Andrew
Andrew, Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, made an interesting comment about the Wright brothers. He said, "They knew if they solved the problems of balance and steering, they could fly."
That statement applies as much to life as to flying. We are meant to fly. Not just some of us, but all of us. But first we must solve the problems of balance and steering. We solve the steering problem by moving toward people who support and encourage us, and by moving away from people who are negative.
We solve the problem of balance by filling ourselves with all of what we need, and by not letting one person or one thing overwhelm our lives.
You are having recurring, brand-new conversations with your girlfriend because you are making zero impact on her. You want to fly and she wants to ground you, but trying to ground you won't keep you. What is the point of flight if you can't leave the airport?
Wayne & Tamara
By A Nose
I am utterly infatuated with an older man. He's already been married. He happens to work at a bar I visit with friends. After bumping into him a few times on his nights off around town and having some brilliant (though admittedly inebriated) conversations and realizing how lovely and gorgeous he is, I asked him his age. Expecting a maximum of 28, I was shocked when he said 35. Our attraction is mutual, and he was just as shocked to hear I am 20.
We didn't mention age again, and I haven't seen him since. I am nearing the end of a degree and cannot stop thinking about him and the ridiculous possibility of a relationship in the future. I wonder if this large age difference can prevent two people having anything more than just a good time. Is this destined to end in tears?
Kimberly
Kimberly, there is a logical fallacy called the camel's nose. It refers to the argument that one shouldn't permit one event because it will inevitably lead to a later, undesirable event. In other words, if you allow the camel to put his nose in your tent, the rest of the camel will inevitably follow.
As a matter of logic, the argument is weak. However, emotions have their own logic. Once a woman is physically intimate with a man she will want a relationship leading to marriage. That is why women often stay involved in unsuitable relationships. They are holding on for a wedding.
If you feel all you would get from this man is his nose in your tent, choose another camel.
Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
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