Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 2, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Eviction Notice
I have been living with my fiancι for two years and dating for four. Last year we were engaged and purchased a new home. We were planning on getting married next year, however he's changed his mind. He says it stems from a bridal show we attended a few months ago.
He says he isn't sure he can give 100 percent to a relationship and wonders if he would rather be alone. Our relationship was strong prior to this. He was always doing sweet things and was very romantic and loving. We traveled a lot and spent a lot of time together. This all stopped a few months ago.
He says it's not me, he's just not sure where he wants to be in life. He cannot make a decision either way. Unfortunately it is extremely difficult for me to pretend there is nothing wrong. We get along for the most part, except when we talk about the future. We haven't gone to counseling yet, but I am looking into it. Any suggestions?
Addie
Addie, you can dig a ditch, but what you can do to a ditch you cannot do to another person. Emotions are more complicated than dirt. They don't lend themselves easily to manipulation and control.
In the past people wore amulets to bring good fortune and control the future. We think we are more sophisticated than that, but nothing really changes inside the human psyche. Today we hope to get from psychology and counseling what people in earlier times expected to get from amulets.
The truth is, what psychology is best at explaining are those things which can be clearly defined, like how we learn and how many items we can hold in short-term memory. But that sort of knowledge doesn't help us in relationships. The question you have, how to get my fiancι to marry me, is one psychology cannot answer.
The best that counseling can do is lead out from an individual what is there to be led out. Your goal is to make your fiancι into your husband, but his goal is to pursue a life outside your relationship. Counseling may help you both, but it may not lead to marriage.
There is one thing we can tell you for sure. If you've been sharing expenses and buying a house together, you need a good lawyer to explain your legal rights.
Wayne & Tamara
A Bitter Pill
I've been dating a wonderful man for a year now. Last Tuesday he called me and ended our relationship, saying, "I'm not sure about myself and my ability to give you the life you deserve. In order to save you from hating me later on, I have to do this."
I am incredibly shocked, while I do thank him for his directness. How can I get over this? What steps shall I take? We've spoken once since the breakup, but it was just a "how was your day" type of conversation. That was a joke. Please help me. I am unable to sleep.
Susan
Susan, you are grieving. Something has died. A hope, a dream, a plan for the future. There are three parts to getting over this. First, knowing what it is; second, getting through the process; and third, time.
There are many excellent books which can help people through the grieving process. One easy one, which has been around for awhile, is "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Colgrove, Bloomfield, and McWilliams. It is not the kind of book you sit down and read cover to cover. It is a book to pick up whenever you need comfort.
The book is arranged with one and two page stories, quotations, suggestions, and thoughts. As the authors say, "One thing I forgot: after the pain of parting comes the happiness of healing; rediscovering life, friends, self. Joy."
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
