Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 9, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Liar, Liar
I am absolutely nauseous from sadness and grief. My boyfriend leaves me with no alternative but to end our relationship. I know he loves me, but there are times his actions indicate otherwise.
We do not live together. He makes an appointment with me and is either hours late or doesn't show up at all, always with some ridiculous excuse. He had to help so-and-so, had to look into this or that, or something I did aggravated him. Yet there is no phone call, no notice. When I express my displeasure, he promises to do better.
The coup de grace came two weeks ago when he was out of town on business. The night prior to his arrival home he called and told me he did not know when he'd arrive the next day, as he was flying standby. He said he loved me, absolutely could not wait to see me, and so badly wanted to be home with me.
I found out later he knew exactly when he'd be back, which was mid-morning. After speaking with me, he called his best friend and told him what time to pick him up. The friend did. They went from the airport to play golf and spent the afternoon at a local bar. After being in town eight hours and not telling me, he called and wanted to know what we were doing for dinner.
I felt I had been slapped in the face. He said I was overreacting and could not believe I was so upset. He is wonderful for two months, then BAM! Out of the blue I get punched in the stomach. I can't deal with it anymore. Why in the world would a man be this way? An attempt to make me feel small? A retreat to his cave?
I am dumbfounded and losing sleep wondering what in the world makes a man like this tick.
Betsy
Betsy, put yourself in his self-centered shoes for a moment. He's been out of town two weeks doing business. He arrives at 10 a.m. He's not interested in eating dinner or having sex until 8 p.m. So he calls up a buddy for a ride, lunch, golf, and drinks at the 19th hole.
What makes this scenario possible? Lying to you. Lying to you about his arrival time allows him to lunch, golf, and drink with his buddies. Telling you he loves you and misses you desperately insures dinner and sex to rap up his excellent day.
Stop overthinking this. He lies because it is convenient for him. No more, no less. Lies get him what he wants.
You're in a three-legged race with a man you can't trust. If you want a man who wants to be with you, a man true to his word, then cut your ties to this man.
Wayne & Tamara
Judgmental Inquiries
Why won't my girlfriend, who I love deeply, tell me about all her past loves. I've told her everything about my loves and sexual partners. She says, "You have nothing to worry about. The number, names, times, dates and places are not important, and I will not go into every detail of every situation."
What hurts is she won't be completely honest with me. The number doesn't matter. What matters is her trusting me enough to tell me absolutely everything. With her I am evaluating many decisions that will be truly life-changing.
Justin
Justin, the number does matter to you, and most likely the reason is jealousy. Your girlfriend knows no number will be low enough for you.
La Rochefoucauld, the acute observer of Louis XIV's court, observed, "In jealousy there is more of self-love than of love." If you truly loved her you would limit your inquiries to the present. "I'm with her. Is she faithful to me? Yes, that's all I need to know."
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
