Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 23, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
High Wire Act
I am single, attractive, and 42. For the last decade I've been personal
assistant to the managing director of my company. He and I have a very good
relationship which is essential in this kind of role. When his marriage of
25 years broke down, he was loathe to discuss it with family or friends.
Our good working relationship and confidentiality paved the way for him to
turn to me for advice and support. I was happy to provide it as he has been
a good friend to me. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us, however,
his ex-wife resented our friendship because she felt we always got on better
than he and she did.
Three months ago my boss met a lady 20 years his junior at a party at one of
our other offices. They fell for each other. My problem is his now
wife-to-be will not tolerate me at all. He suggested to her that she and I
should speak. She duly called me, and I attempted what I thought was a
pleasant "girly" chat.
It was obvious she was reluctant to talk, but I put this down to the fact we
didn't know each other. Since then she has refused to discuss or
acknowledge me. He can't bring me up in conversation as it induces a row.
This puts our friendship under severe strain.
It's also going to make life difficult for me when I attend company events
where she will be present. I am frightened anything I say or do may be
misconstrued by her and lead to a row either with me or, when they return
home, with him. This saddens me. I know he finds this situation difficult
to manage because it involves a lot of female feelings he can't comprehend.
He admits his new love is jealous of any female that comes near him, but she
has a special resentment for me. I am keen for us to be friends, but I also
feel he has to side with her which makes me a two time loser.
Deborah
Deborah, the ancient seer Epimenides said, "There is a pleasure in being mad
which none but madmen know." There is also a perverse pleasure in jealousy
which none but the jealous know.
Dealing with someone with a true jealousy problem is like dealing with
someone with a mental illness. Your boss will be accused of things he
hasn't done, and she will see your actions as suspicious attempts to placate
her reasonable fears. Forget any idea of winning her over. Jealous people
can't be won over.
Your best strategy is to do your job to perfection and keep as far into the
background of their relationship as you can. When you run into this woman,
maintain the wallpaper persona of the subordinate employee. We know this is
demeaning, but your main goal is to keep your good job. As you know, a good
personal assistant must be able to walk a tightrope, even without a net.
Tamara
No Intention
I met my boyfriend when I was engaged. He insisted we go out and, well, the
rest was history. We talked for hours at the zoo, and at the end he kissed
me. That was 12 years ago.
My family hated me for moving in with him with no wedding in sight. Four
years ago I gave him an ultimatum. I wanted to be married. He decided on a
big traditional wedding. We're not rich, but on a small budget and with
lots of work, I made it happen. Two weeks before the wedding he pulled out.
Why do men make this subject so hard?
Inez
Inez, it should be hard, even impossible, to get a man who doesn't love you
to marry you. All you have done by staying is show him he can have you
without marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
