Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 6, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
One-sided
I am divorced with two grown daughters in their 20s. Both my ex and I are remarried. He lives in a distant city. Both daughters are married, and one has two boys and the other one boy. My problem is the lack of interest my ex-husband shows in his daughters.
My youngest daughter is getting her master's degree and invited her dad to come to her graduation. Also, she bought a new house two years ago and has a little boy, neither of which he has seen. Her invitation to the graduation was greeted with enthusiasm, and she really thought he was coming. She also told the news to people at work and family members.
She's been buffing up the house and getting a guest room ready for his stay. Well, lo and behold, he's not going to come. He gave some lame excuse about tickets for something or other, and he couldn't give them away so he has to use them. Sorry, he said, you know you come first, but these tickets are hard to come by. Yada, yada, yada.
My daughter told me last night. I showed no sign of anger or disappointment, nor did I rank on him. But I'm mad. She says no big deal, but I know how hurt she is and it hurts me when my kids hurt. Both daughters are so nice they would never confront him on any issue. I don't want to butt in where I shouldn't, but when I see my kids hurt, I want to do something.
Do I have the right to interfere and call or write my ex and tell him exactly what he has done? Or do I keep my mouth shut, and let relationship issues between father and daughters be dealt with by them?
Delia
Delia, you cannot make him be the man he isn't. If that could be done, everyone could just write a letter or make a phone call, and everything on the planet would be fixed. He is taking advantage of your daughters because they are nice, but if they weren't nice, would they be your daughters?
You've experienced who he is. A divorce didn't change him. Your daughters are going to have to come to terms with this on their own. There are children whose parents die when they are young. There are children who are abused by their parents. There are children who are ignored by their parents.
Each child deals with that individually. Perhaps 20 years from now he may suddenly decide he needs a relationship with his daughters. And they may accept, or reject, him based on their past dealings with him.
This is not a matter for you to get involved with. He is no longer your husband. Your daughter is trying to "win" her dad, a man who rejects her. She may always try to do that, and she may take for granted the person who has been there by her side all along. Best to take a neutral stance here and do nothing.
Wayne & Tamara
Around The Block
I'm 21 and for the past seven months I've been with my girlfriend, 20. I am the first person she's slept with. Although she is the first girl I've been in a relationship with, she is not the first lady I slept with. Prior to her I had a series of one night stands with five other women. In the beginning, she was perfectly all right with that.
Lately we've been fighting, and she finds me disgusting, dirty, and cheap for having slept with other women. The last analogy prior to kicking me out was I am a used car, a cheap Yugo, while she is a brand-new Ferrari.
Burt
Burt, she was a brand-new Ferrari. Not anymore. Now you're both "pre-owned." When it's love, history doesn't matter. When it's not, history does.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
