Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 25, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Foresight
I'm 27 and my husband is 41. We've been together since I was 18 and he was 32. I got pregnant when I was 21, then we got married. I knew I never wanted to be with him forever. When I was walking down the aisle, I said to myself, "I can always get a divorce." Little did I know it wouldn't be that easy.
Now we have two wonderful kids. He makes good money, and I get to stay home. We have a nice lifestyle. The problem is he makes me sick. I do not love him and do not want to be with him anymore.
We have nothing in common, and he is not a very intelligent person. He is illiterate. He is not kind to others. He's good with the kids, but does and says things in front of them that should not be said or done. I don't want to waste any more time in this marriage. I want to leave, but I don't want to take the good life away from my kids.
I feel bad leaving him because I don't think he deserves to have everything taken from him, but having sex with him makes me ill. I don't let him kiss or touch me. I make him get it over with as quick as possible. He works offshore and is away more than he is home. I think that's the only reason I've made it this long.
I got married because I was pregnant, and I was ashamed. Please give me your thoughts.
Brianna
Brianna, 1400 years ago, when China was ruled by the Sui dynasty, soothsayers in the imperial capital predicted that the emperor would be overthrown by someone named Li. A popular song even repeated that theme. This caused the emperor to persecute officials named Li. Some of them he even murdered.
Meanwhile, north of the capital, there was a military garrison commanded by another Li. Again and again Li's son urged him to revolt and attack the emperor before the emperor could attack them. At last the father agreed, and father and son marched south with their army to overthrow the Sui. And so a prophecy was fulfilled, and a man named Li seized the throne.
Your marriage was also a self-fulfilling prophecy. You married a man who could provide for you, but he is a man you do not love. Now the marriage may end, and you may need to go to work. Like the last Sui emperor, you have brought ruin upon yourself. It's impossible to live with a person who makes you physically sick, but once you have children with them, you will be bound to them for the rest of your life.
Wayne & Tamara
Counterpoint
My fiancι and I plan to marry in October. He enjoys dancing at clubs, and I don't. I have a difficult time dancing with him as he improvises a lot, and I feel silly trying to follow him. I don't like the idea of him going out by himself, and it is really hard for me to watch him dancing with other women.
We are taking dance lessons to hopefully find a common rhythm. But he wants to go to a dance Friday, and the dance is themed "schoolgirls and skater boys." I object. He's 40, I'm 30, and I don't feel comfortable dressed as a schoolgirl dancing with a much younger crowd.
Gabriella
Gabriella, should the Lord of the Dance marry a woman who, though she doesn't have two left feet, does not share his passion for stepping to the music? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life trying to prevent him from dancing?
You don't need to be somebody's wet blanket. You need someone who fulfills and enhances your own life. If you can't find a common rhythm, sit out the Wedding March.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
