Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 1, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Mistress's Woes
I'm 27. I've been seeing a married man for three years. I am madly in love and cannot imagine losing him even though I don't have him all to myself now. Every time I've had enough of this tortured relationship and am ready to leave, something happens to keep us closely involved. It is strange.
He's been married 10 years and promising to leave his wife for the last year. Well, about three months ago she found out about us and threatened to call me out at work. Yes, we work together too. There is no company policy about this, but I imagine she could still cause problems.
Six weeks ago she called and asked me to please give her the chance to repair her marriage by stepping out of the way. I agreed. A week later, after they went to counseling, he told me his wife accepted that their relationship was dead. They started to split their assets and find her a house.
He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and how he wants to make me smile every day. He goes out of his way to please me whenever I get upset about the situation. He even says if I left now he would search the planet until he found me.
To get to the point, they are still in their house. Last night, after spending the week with me, his wife called and informed me they had sex last Sunday before he came to my house. He did not deny it. That makes me physically ill. He said they were boxing things up, and she kept bringing out old keepsakes and pictures from their past and he was "drunk and sentimental."
He apologized profusely and is trying to move out of the house by the end of the week in hopes of not losing me. I am confused and hurt. I don't know whether I can ever trust this relationship.
Alexa
Alexa, while you were having an affair with this man, you pushed unpleasant thoughts aside. His wife was a louse, unworthy of a faithful husband. Or so you thought. Your mind wouldn't go to: last night he had sex with her, this afternoon he's having sex with me.
For three years he's been intimate with two women. One was at home making food, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear. The other woman was you. Now his wife has played her trump card. She's his wife. She isn't doing anything wrong by having sex with him. Maybe she's trying to win him back, or maybe she's simply trying to rain on your parade. Either way it works for her.
What do you fear? You will be making food for him, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear, and he will be telling another woman he would search the world over to find her. What you fear is not retribution for what you did. What you fear is the recognition of his true nature.
Wayne & Tamara
Lying By Omission
My husband's cousin just got married, and his new wife is pregnant. We just found out he's been cheating on her. She is a close friend of mine, and I don't know if I should tell her. The cheating husband asked me not to say anything because he intends to continue cheating.
My husband and I are sick over this, and it is consuming our whole lives. We are supposed to go on vacation with them, and I don't know how to be around my girlfriend knowing what I know. What is the right thing to do?
Trinity
Trinity, your friend's husband has no right to make you an unwilling accomplice in his cheating, and you have no obligation to protect him. Your friend is both an innocent party and an ignorant party. She needs to know.
Wayne
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
