Direct Answers Column for the week of August 29, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Fact Or Fiction
My husband ran away from home, cavorted with a younger woman he knew for three weeks, moved to another city, cashed in all his retirement money, and ended up in a psychiatric hospital in the rubber room. All this madness was diagnosed as bipolar disorder with psychosis. Recommendation: medication for life and the diligent care of a headshrinker.
I have the urge to get even. I feel this was intentional even though the doctor tells me he was manic with impaired distorted thinking and delusions. He is responding well to medication. Have you any input from other people enduring affairs as a result of mental incompetence?
Elise
Elise, you are angry at your husband's betrayal, so it's perfectly normal to feel the urge to get even. But on a scale of one to 10, that response would be a zero. Having sex with another man, or doing something else to hurt your husband, only degrades you. If you cheat back on a cheater, all it does is vindicate them and what they have done.
We suggest you look into the question of whether your husband has a mental illness. There are three areas to explore: firsthand accounts, specific advice about this disorder, and general advice for families. Let us suggest a book in each category.
Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychologist, suffers from bipolar illness. In "An Unquiet Mind" she describes how wonderful the manic phase feels: you feel you can do anything, shyness vanishes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there. When she was manic, Jamison maxed out her credit cards and jumped from moving cars, but when her rage subsided, she fell into the blackest holes of the mind.
In "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" David Miklowitz offers specific advice to patients and their families, while Rebecca Woolis' "When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness" offers help in understanding your husband's bizarre behavior. Woolis also explores that sense of injustice you feel.
Decide for yourself if your husband's actions are the actions of someone genuinely ill. If you believe he is not ill, you can decide to leave. If you believe he is ill, you must decide how to manage his illness while protecting yourself.
Wayne & Tamara
No Honor
I am in an awful fix! My best friend is getting married and wants to make me her maid of honor. Normally, I'd be ecstatic, except for one thing--I can't stand her fiancι. The man she is marrying is emotionally abusive, and there is a distinct possibility he's cheated on her more than once, though I do not have concrete proof of this.
The engagement itself surprised me as she expressed doubts about him, particularly the issue of his fidelity. I spoke to her then about my feelings, and the conversation nearly ended our friendship! To make matters worse, she forced me into agreeing by asking me in public in front of others.
She knows I am not a gossip and would never do anything to make her uncomfortable. I could not decline graciously or even put off an answer. I've spent more time getting to know her fiancι, hoping to see what she sees in him, but each time I've come away more disgusted with this man and more convinced she is making the most horrible decision of her life.
Genevieve
Genevieve, your best friend is forcing you to be a hypocrite. if you stand up for her at her wedding, you are saying, "I accept that these two should be man and wife and spend their lives together." No, you don't accept that. You don't believe that at all.
If you accept, she will see you as a willing participant in her choice and come to you as an avenue of consolation. Only by declining her offer can you prevent playing the hypocrite for the length of her marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
