Direct Answers Column for the week of September 19, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Man's Best Friend
My mother-in-law has lived with us four years. She baby-sits our son, 4, and takes him back and forth to school three days a week. She also helps getting our 8-year-old ready in the morning. We pay her $100 a week for her services. She pays no rent or bills and buys no groceries.
My problem is she has no motivation, no goals, and doesn't want anything in life. She has nothing of her own, nor does she want anything. I suggested a part-time job so she could have extra money and do something with her life. She doesn't want to. She is happy having nothing and doing nothing.
It bothers me to come home from a long day at work and see her watching television day and night. If she weren't in my house it wouldn't matter, but I don't understand how she could be happy making $100 a week. My wife acts like she can't live without her mother and doesn't mind that we take care of her.
All I want her to do is get out in the world, better herself, and maybe after she gets on her feet, help us out a little. All she does is watch the kids, and by that I mean they do anything they want except hurt themselves. When we get home from work, she has plenty of time to go to bingo or visit her friends. If she has time to do all that, why doesn't she have time to help herself?
Stan
Stan, your arguments contradict one another. In the opening of your letter you are concerned your mother-in-law is a recluse and possibly depressed. Then you are angry at supporting her. Finally you hope she can get out in the world and help you out. You go on to mention she has no life, but complain she has time for bingo and friends.
What's the essence of what's going on? Having your mother-in-law live with you is like owning a dog. She plays with the kids, she's a drain on your income, and your wife is really attached to her. But you don't especially like dogs. If she was a working breed, it would be another matter.
Do you think you can teach this old dog new tricks? Not likely. You can't change a lapdog into a working breed, and you can't turn your mother-in-law, at her age, into what you wish her to be. She could get a job and help you out. But she won't. Stop thinking that way. She's not her son-in-law's best friend.
This issue could drive a wedge between you and your wife, but is it worth it? The only real power you have is the power to frame what you see.
You won't get positive attention from your wife by focusing on her mother. But if you focus on your wife and children, can you see the benefits you will reap? Your mother-in-law is taking your focus from where it should be. If you can't stop focusing on her, you will be the one in the doghouse.
Wayne & Tamara
From The Heart
In the name of love please do one thing for me, and I promise never to bother you again. If you publish the following letter in the newspaper, I would be most grateful.
Dear Karen, This day, now and forever, I would tell you how I feel. I love you beyond all limits. I love you more than I can express. Never will I leave you. Never will there be anyone besides you. Always,
Joseph
Joseph, only one thing endures: love. In a famous poem Leigh Hunt wrote, "Jenny kissed me when we met, Jumping from the chair she sat in
. Say I'm weary, say I'm sad, Say that health and wealth have missed me, Say I'm growing old, but add, Jenny kissed me."
Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
