Direct Answers – Column for the week of October 3, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
High Society
I am a 34-year-old, single, college-educated woman, but honestly I feel clueless when it comes to love. I've had lots of relationships that last six months. That's the time men start professing their love, and I find a reason to run.
I had one relationship that lasted five years, mainly because he was a professional athlete. I'm ashamed to admit I would have stayed with him just because of what he did for a living and the exciting lifestyle he provided. Even then I cheated twice. No matter how great the guy is, I always feel I might miss something better out there, or find someone who makes more money, or is better looking.
In some way I have to prove myself to the world by finding the perfect man. My perfect man is incredibly good-looking, has a high power or high paying job, is strong enough to protect me, dresses hip, and has an amazing personality.
My friends and family would tell you I'm a sweet, loving person which I truly am. I'm very much the girl next door type. I love the simple things in life, but for some reason my priorities become all messed up when it comes to relationships.
Recently I met an amazing guy who wants to pursue a relationship. Honestly, if this guy was a professional athlete, lawyer, doctor, or even owned a highly successful business, I would be completely into him. He tells me love is all that matters in life. But when it comes to relationships, I don't know what love is.
Cami
Cami, in Somerset Maugham's novel "The Razor's Edge," a man named Elliot Templeton spends his life trying to secure a place in elite society. Elliot lives in mortal fear of not being invited to the best parties. In the end, he dies alone. As one character in the novel remarks, "I happen to think that we've set our ideal on the wrong objects."
Like Elliot Templeton you attribute value to yourself by the value of those you are with. But the problem with selling yourself to the highest bidder is you can never be sure when you have the highest bid. Something better may always come along.
You're clever enough, polished enough, and attractive enough to attract powerful men, but it doesn't satisfy you. After six months, your goal accomplished, you lack a reason to stay. Acting solely to elicit a response from a man ensures you will believe his feelings are no more genuine than your own.
Now you're in love with the idea of being a simple girl who loves romance, but that idea is no more substantial than wanting a man for his looks or his money. A man's looks, money, and fame can disappear overnight, but a genuine connection to that man can endure as long as life itself.
Elliot Templeton loved parties, and parties are wonderful. But when the party's over and there are cigarettes jammed into the potted plants and glass rings on every table, you deal with that alone. Unless you're not alone because you have someone of your own.
Wayne & Tamara
Bad Associations
My friend "Tina" and I had a falling out. During the weeks leading up to our fight Tina took advantage of me by continually asking for rides home. She lives in the complete opposite direction of my house, and gas is not cheap.
She sent a letter saying she's sorry I felt taken advantage of instead of saying sorry she took advantage of me. We haven't spoken since. I think she should have chosen her words more carefully. Should I talk to her or move on? We'll probably never see each other again.
Autumn
Autumn, it's hard not to think about someone who once was part of your life, but as with cigarettes, it helps to break the association with things which are not healthful for you. Move on.
Wayne
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
