Direct Answers – Column for the week of October 17, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
On With The Show
The man I've seen for two years has yet to introduce me to any of his acquaintances. He's a director, actor, and entertainer who also oversees a nonprofit organization. He's never introduced me to the people in the group and doesn't invite me to cast parties or get-togethers. He says he likes to keep his personal and business lives separate.
I'm not writing to ask if this is a one-sided relationship. It is. Am I a tad codependent? Yes. I am not trying to make him into a monster or me into a victim. I deserve some of the blame if I am unhappy. I am not disputing that. The question is how do I go about breaking it off with him?
He's a very logical, shrewd, and bombastic sort of guy. He's brilliant, funny, and we have a lot in common, but when I tell him I don't feel a part of his life, he brings up good, windy arguments and doesn't leave my apartment. I end up feeling irrational and exhausted. I am searching for a non-emotional, logical argument to use in my defense to his arguments.
Angelina
Angelina, the song "Razzle Dazzle" from the musical "Chicago" describes your boyfriend's tactics. The premise of the song is this: whenever someone puts you on the spot, razzle dazzle 'em. Change the subject, put on a three-ring circus, or throw them a double whammy. As the song says, with all that going on, "How can they hear the truth above the roar?"
Some show business people have enough intelligence for two people. They can memorize a whole play in the time it takes you to memorize the smallest part. They're used to holding center stage and not allowing anyone to upstage them, but there is one strategy which will work. Put all his belongings outside your door. That is one argument he cannot refute.
Wayne & Tamara
Eye On The Ball
I found out in June that my husband was having an affair with another woman. I loved him too much and never expected this. This devastates me. We will be married 10 years this year, and I don't know how to deal with it. I am considering leaving.
Madeline
Madeline, the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget was a keen observer of children. One of the things which interested him was perspective taking--how we develop the ability to see things from more than one point of view.
In a classic experiment inspired by Piaget's work, a young child is shown a story told with dolls. A boy doll enters a room and hides a ball in a drawer. Then the boy doll leaves the room, and a mother doll enters. She takes the ball from the drawer and puts it under the bed. When the boy doll returns to the room, the story ends.
At this point an experimenter asks the child where the boy doll will look for the ball. A 3-year-old child will say the boy will look for the ball under the bed. Three-year-olds can only see situations from what they themselves know. But a 5-year-old child will say the boy will look for the ball in the drawer, because 5-year-olds realize the boy doesn't know his mother has moved it.
You loved your husband. That was the only way you could view your marriage. You saw life from your own perspective. You loved him completely, and he loved you completely. That is what you thought.
Now you realize that is not the way it was. Your husband had a different point of view. What he said and how he acted around you was calculated to confuse your perspective. As you decide what to do, give full weight to his view of your marriage. You must see the situation as it is, not as you thought it was.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
