Direct Answers – Column for the week of November 7, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Signs
I've dated my boyfriend for four years--through my entire college experience--so I feel like I missed out on meeting other guys. We've been happy, but lately I wonder if the happiness is just friendly on my side.
I know he loves me, but I don't know if I feel romantic about him anymore. To make things worse, he wants to get married. He's great! Really! Good-looking, smart, funny, and caring, too. Just a little boring for a 22-year-old. I want mystery. Maybe it's my new lifestyle.
This is the point where the person I'm talking to normally says, "Don't marry him. You're not in love." The thing is, I don't know if I am in love. I've got a new job, am meeting great people, and just don't want to get married right now. Actually I don't even know if I want to date anyone now.
That's not quite right either. Here's the truth. I want to have fun. Romance, mystery, a new face. It sounds terrible, I know. The thing is, I met a new guy at work and I like him. It reminds me of when you liked someone when you were 16 and got nervous, excited, and worried.
I don't know what to do. I keep thinking if I sit down long enough, by myself, the answer will come to me. It's not working. I'm not full of myself or anything, but my boyfriend seems to build his entire life around me and I don't want to hurt him.
Pamela
Pamela, when scientists wanted to design warning signs for a nuclear waste site in Nevada, they faced a problem. This material will still be toxic 10,000 years from now, yet no one knows what languages will be in use then. Also, languages change over time. "Beowulf," written in Old English a thousand years ago, is now virtually unreadable.
So in addition to posting the site with warnings in half a dozen languages, scientists realized they needed a timeless symbol which would express the danger. The symbol they selected was the distraught face from Edvard Munch's famous painting "The Scream."
The danger signs in your letter are as unmistakable as Munch's scream. You want to taste life, but that hasn't occurred because you've always been an involved female. You don't want to hurt your boyfriend, but you have to.
It's as if you are working yourself up to go to the dentist. You are talking through some of the fears to lessen the pain. Lessen his pain by letting him know this is on you. Tell him you care about him as a person, but you are not in love with him.
Tamara
Spoiled The Child
My boyfriend is gentle and kind, loving and respectful. Ninety-eight percent of the time everything is perfect. Once in awhile his temper flares. Then he curses, screams, and throws things.
He never harms me, but it is scary. I don't know what to do to calm him down. He suggested talking to his mother, which I did, but she used to just leave and take a walk. We are talking marriage, but I don't want to consider children with him if his anger isn't controlled.
Evette
Evette, your boyfriend's mother walked away from his anger, and that did two things. It reinforced his problem, and it prevented him from having to do anything about it. You, as an adult woman, are afraid. Magnify that fear by a hundred, and you'll understand what effect his anger will have on a child.
If he doesn't show anger in public or at work, that proves it can be controlled. There are many books and short courses on anger management. Insist he seek help and don't consider marriage until you see tangible evidence the help has worked. There is a price for marrying you, beyond love and honor, and this is the price.
Wayne
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
