Direct Answers – Column for the week of December 5, 2005
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Coming Of Age
Tom and I have been in a relationship for well over a year. We're very much in love, and we've discussed moving in together more than a few times. We are both 19-year-old college students, have no siblings, and come from single-parent homes.
My mother and I have a fairly strong relationship; our family is devoutly Catholic. Although I was raised to share the same values as my mother, Tom and I have put a lot of thought into moving in together, and we are currently trying to rent a townhouse. His mother is okay with the idea.
When I told my mother, she said it would shame her family, and I would be no better than a whore. I told her she should allow me to make my own choices. She said she does not approve, would no longer give me money, and hung up the phone. I am on full financial aid from school, and the only financial help she gives is occasional spending money.
Afterwards I cried for hours, and when I told Tom, he said I should do what feels the most comfortable. I really want to move in with him next year, but I also don't want to lose my relationship with my mother.
Zoe
Zoe, at some point you have to realize you are a child who has become an adult. At some point you have to decide if a particular religious dogma expresses what you feel about your spiritual connection to the universe. At some point you have to leave your mother's house and move toward the man you will spend your life with.
All these things entail growth toward your life as a mature woman. Your mother would like to control your future, but she is holding out a model she did not show you. Since both you and Tom grew up in a single-parent household, you were both born to a skepticism about marriage.
Adults make decisions knowing that the benefits of wise decisions will be theirs to enjoy and the consequences of bad ones theirs to bear. One principle is clear: the person who makes the decision should bear the consequences. If decisions are not yours to make, the consequences should be your mother's to endure.
The most important thing in your life now is education. Whether a woman is happily married for a lifetime or a single parent like your mother, an education offers her the greatest security. The most reliable advice we can give is don't allow unintended parenthood to alter your future.
It may be that you are at a turning point in your relationship with your mother. You are going from her dependent child to an adult young woman with self-determination and drive. As it took you time to get to this place in your life, it may take her time to accept who you are now. Continue to move toward growth, based on the values you cherish.
Wayne & Tamara
Unforeseen Event
I am a forgiving person and cannot understand why a man who told me daily he loved me could turn his back on me and our children for a woman who smokes, has an alcohol problem, and if he marries her, will be her third husband! If you knew my husband, you would never guess he would go after this type. He better hope she is worth it, but that, I doubt.
Isabel
Isabel, in the Aeneid there is a story about a prophetess living in a cave. The god Apollo tells her the future, which she writes on leaves. But whenever someone enters the cave, the draft from the open door moves the leaves and rearranges the future.
You thought you knew your future, but that future has changed. Now you have two tasks: getting past the sadness and anger, and being the lioness protecting her cubs.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
