Direct Answers – Column for the week of January 2, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Liar, Liar
I am wondering if this is fair? I work and my employment benefits include life insurance. My husband came to watch me sign him as beneficiary. He then took out family insurance through his bank and showed me a page of the insurance form stating if he dies I am his beneficiary.
Later I heard him on the phone with his daughter telling her she and her brother were his beneficiaries. They are grown and married, with well-paying jobs. Is this fair? When I asked him about this, he said it was not true. He said I heard wrong, which I did not.
He claims he lost all the paperwork, though he has not lost so much as an old hunting license in his life. I wonder if he mailed the papers to his daughter. When I asked to see the forms, he said he would just cancel the insurance, which is fine. But he did not cancel.
I do not care if he has insurance or not. I am not a taker. It is the principle of feeling loved, cared for, and equal. His bank account is with his daughter also, not with me. I've bought him many things, make the truck and car payments, and pay the rent. I love him but wonder if he loves me or considers me an outsider.
Freda
Freda, your husband hasn't lost so much as an old hunting license. Is he lying to you? Does a wild bear poop in the woods? Heck yes.
You are sharing a bed with a man you don't share a bank account with. You must know where you stand if he dies. Will his children inherit everything, even the two vehicles you are making payments on?
If he doesn't come up with the information you need, at the very least change the beneficiary on your life insurance policy to someone else, even a second cousin twice removed. Forcing his hand will dictate your next move.
Wayne & Tamara
Getaway
I am a 30-year-old single mother of one. I've been dating a man, 40, for two years. He is a wonderful person, takes exceptional care of me, and is attentive to my needs. He is the best man I have ever dated, but I am in conflict about my feelings for this man for as long as we've dated.
Our problem lies with communication. I don't feel he understands how important communication is to our relationship. Often I feel left out of the loop because he doesn't communicate simple things I feel are important. Sometimes I feel it is because I am younger, and he views me as a child. Other times I feel he just doesn't get it.
Sometimes I don't know why I love him, or if I love him. Recently I wonder if I want to get married just because it is what you do after two years of dating, or if I really want to be married to this man.
Erin
Erin, the car he drives, the clothes he wears, the way he folds his arms--all that expresses who he is. The way he communicates with you is who he is. He is who he is, and after two years you haven't fallen in love with who he is.
If you loved him, he would feel right. You wouldn't feel he is treating you like a child, you wouldn't feel out of the loop, and you wouldn't feel you are marrying him just to get married.
All signs suggest you should step away from this relationship. Have we communicated this clearly enough? Picture a police officer with a bullhorn. He brings the bullhorn to his mouth, the microphone crackles with static, and he roars, "Keep your hands to yourself, and step away from this relationship!"
Erin, you need to be available for a relationship you feel passionate about.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
