Direct Answers – Column for the week of January 23, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
For Son's Sake
I have been with my husband 20 years, and he is an alcoholic. His father and brother are alcoholics as well. My husband witnessed violence in his home growing up, and still to this day it goes on. I recently made him leave my house because he is abusive while drinking and doesn't remember it.
This is affecting my 16-year-old son as well. He is the sweetest kid, and I know this hurts him a lot. I do not want to leave my husband because he is the best person when he isn't drinking. I want him to get help, but I do not know how to get it. As long as his mother is enabling him, I know he won't get help.
I want him to get help so we could be a family. My son asked me if we were the only family going through this. I've tried to tell him we aren't. I know it will be hard on him if his father leaves because we will also lose a big family.
Elsa
Elsa, army ants marching in a column sometimes become confused. The lead ants stumble across the tail of the column and start to follow the stragglers. All the ants then march in a circle, going nowhere, until they die from exhaustion. That is what living in a multigenerational alcoholic family is like.
You are concerned for your son, and you should be. Children of alcoholics endure thousands of days during which they have no control over the turmoil around them. To survive they bury their feelings. They become people pleasers who cannot trust themselves. Not surprisingly, they fail to learn workable solutions to problems. How could they? The central problem of their life is a problem over which they have no control.
The first step in recovery for an alcoholic is to admit the problem. The second step is to admit they haven't done the first step. The third step is to actually do something. What is true of the drunk is true of the enabler of the drunk. If you have been with your husband 20 years, you are his enabler.
What is an enabler? An enabler is a person who has the power to change a situation but refuses to do it. When you made your husband leave the house, you took the first step toward not being his enabler. You cannot control his alcoholism, but you can stop enabling it.
It sounds noble to say you don't want to lose a big family, but the family you're talking about is one where screams and punches and children cowering in closets are commonplace. That is a pattern which must be broken.
Unlike the army ants, if you break this pattern of circular behavior, the only one who is likely to follow you is your son. Breaking the pattern will be hard, but it will be the making of you as a person.
Wayne & Tamara
Art Of Living
I've been reading your column for two years and ordered your book after my marriage went belly up. Just as I resolved I could live my life without a man, I met someone in one of the most unlikely places, a chat room. We really hit it off even though we couldn't be more different, yet all of our differences seem not to matter.
It happens to be my 38th birthday today, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be at peace with my life. I don't know how my story will end, but I know I will be all right no matter what, whether we spend the rest of our lives together or just a couple of days, weeks, or months. Thank you for articulating what I have always felt.
Nell
Nell, once we understand how to live within our own skin, life always seems good.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
