Direct Answers – Column for the week of February 20, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Broken Circle
My wife and I married nine years ago and have two wonderful children. We were high school sweethearts who married after dating four years. About a year ago we fell into the swingers lifestyle.
This was a mutual decision we both enjoyed. However, problems started creeping into the relationship. In my opinion, she is addicted to chatting on the Internet to people in the lifestyle. She uses the computer at least six hours a day, checking her e-mail, chatting, and showing herself on her webcam.
It upsets me she would rather chat than spend time with me after our kids go to bed. She thinks I'm being childish when I tell her how it makes me feel. Now to be fair, I'm no saint. I'm moody and have a temper. I've looked into anger management and keeping things under control.
One of the things I'm supposed to do is verbalize and talk about how I feel or why I'm upset. When I do this, my feelings are basically thrown back at me as being stupid. It's come to the point where I have to schedule time with her. Not just sex, but normal time sitting and talking, or watching a movie.
I love her with all my heart, but I'm not sure how long I can feel ignored. I do not want my kids growing up in a broken home, nor do I want them to pick up on our relationship issues.
Brad
Brad, you married too soon. You both wanted to date after marriage, which is what the decision to swing is all about. Now one of you wants to continue to date. The problem? You are not that one. Why can't you tell her enough is enough? Why can't you throw the webcam away? Because she'll say, "I want a divorce."
You are in the same position as the woman who says to her husband, "Honey, don't you think you've had enough to drink tonight?" She cannot speak forcefully or pour the booze down the drain because she doesn't want him to leave. That indecisive behavior shows her husband she knows she is in a weak position and he can continue doing whatever he wants.
Parents can't hide Christmas presents from their kids, much less hide their own emotional turmoil. That is why infants cry when they sense their mother is upset. You are deceiving yourself if you think your children don't know about your problems.
The reason to get married is you and your partner decide to close the circle. There will be no others. Once you break the circle, the marriage is over. The relationship is dating. As soon as your wife finds someone else, what is now fact in her behavior will become fact in law.
Wayne & Tamara
Parenthood
Your response to Peggy, whose teenage son was having sex with his girlfriend in their home, should be required reading for anyone anticipating parenthood. She was right to trust her gut reaction. I took the kinder, gentler approach to discipline and thought reasoning would be better than conflict.
Instead of having two maturing, young adults, their behavior is more akin to feral animals. I didn't win any points for being the "good guy." In fact, I lost their respect. By the time I finally had it and spoke up, it was too late. Someone in the family needs to be the alpha. Being Oatmeal Man doesn't work. I say to Peggy, "You go, Girl!"
Don't be afraid to shout loud and shout often. Don't feel bad about being a "bad guy." Feel proud of yourself for being a strong role model. Sign me "sadder but wiser."
Monica
Monica, what is true of stoves and streets is also true of sex. Without rules, someone gets seriously hurt. In dealing with our children, it's what matters now, and what will matter 20 years from now.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
