Direct Answers – Column for the week of April 3, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Communicating A Lie
My girlfriend and I were madly in love when I packed up and moved to Las Vegas. She followed soon after. I knew when I left I didn't have anything to worry about. She came to Vegas, and we started our lives. Two years later we got married and bought a house. Two years after that her sister and husband came to Vegas on their vacation.
Before they arrived, out of the big blue sky my wife said, "Honey, I have something to tell you. On my last night before I moved here I had a get-together with friends at my sister's house. We had a few drinks and after a few hours everyone left." So I say, "After four years you tell me this. Why?" She said, "I just wanted to be honest." I was thinking, Yeah, right.
So I said, "Who was there?" She mentioned some names. I said, "Is that all?" She said, "Yes, honey, I swear on my parents' graves." So I let it go and didn't think anything of it. Two years later she comes out and says, "Oh yeah, my ex-boyfriend was there, but nothing happened and I didn't sleep with him." I about dropped my drawers.
Here I felt I had the perfect lady, and now this. I asked her to explain to me the night's events step-by-step. She became defensive, angry, and told me it's in the past. Don't worry, she said. Well, why tell me six years after she hid it from me, when her story isn't consistent enough to believe?
I still haven't found out what I want to know. It always turns around on me. Why can't she come clean? What is she afraid of? She preaches to me about communication but doesn't follow her own standards.
Karl
Karl, your letter reminds us of the story about a monastery where monks take a vow of silence. Only once each year is a monk permitted to speak. One year a monk said rather harshly, "Pass the salt." The following year his brother monk replied, "I don't care for your tone of voice." The year after that their abbot scolded, "All this bickering has to stop!"
Your wife tried to protect herself in case her sister spilled the beans. That didn't happen. Now your wife regrets mentioning the subject. In spite of herself, however, the truth keeps trying to pop out of her mouth.
Communication skills are sometimes said to be the key to good relationships. But rather than teach women to drink beer, poke each other in the ribs, and watch football on television--as men do--men are told to express themselves verbally as women do.
The evidence this strategy works is weak. In reality, people have different aims, and these different aims are the root of the problem. Your wife has a guilty secret. Perhaps she or her sister will tell you, or perhaps you will learn that good communication is what people want only when it serves their own interest.
Wayne & Tamara
Getaway
I have a friend, actually an ex-girlfriend. We went out for three years and broke up a year ago. She goes to college, doesn't have a job, and her family doesn't help her out as much as I believe they should. So whatever her family doesn't do for her, I do. I pay for stuff like she's family.
Sometimes I feel she doesn't appreciate everything I do. She limits when she can hang out with me because of her boyfriend, and I get upset. Am I pursuing something I shouldn't be?
Austin
Austin, when you feel the wind whipping past your ears, when you see the scenery rushing by, when you feel the road bouncing beneath you, you are being taken for a ride. It's time to jump in the driver's seat and leave her in the rearview mirror.
Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
