Direct Answers – Column for the week of May 1, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Morally Unfit
I'm 25, married for six months. There are two issues for me: one, I got married for the wrong reasons to the wrong man, and two, I am currently sleeping with my 40-something married coach.
The first of my problems is that in the three years since my husband and I got engaged, we've taken different paths and grown far apart. I became active and started eating healthy, while he stayed sedentary, eating hot dogs and cookies all the time. I am a triathlete and travel the country competing. I eat an athlete's diet, organic and natural only.
I do this for health and because of beliefs I've developed about farming and the environment. My husband doesn't even have a gym membership and refuses to eat healthy. This is the way he's always been, but until recently I guess I ignored how much it bothers me. I made the mistake of thinking he would change, especially after we married.
I make a conscious effort to show interest in things he does, but I can't talk to him about my training because he doesn't listen. He never comes to my races. It is hurtful because I work so hard and love what I do. I feel we no longer have enough in common to have more than a basic friendship.
The second issue is my coach. He approached me at the gym a few months ago, asked if I had a coach, and asked if I wanted to be part of his team. I joined his team and at first we had a normal coach-athlete relationship. Then it escalated to a sexual level after he e-mailed one day saying I was beautiful and had pretty eyes.
He is married with two children. When it started, we agreed it would be physical only because we didn't want our spouses finding out. I have no problem with that, but he seems to push the emotional side of it. He calls me when he is out of town. He e-mails from work all day, and we go back and forth about sex, training, and relationships.
He will ask, "Do you miss me?" Or say, "I felt a spark last night at the pool." Or mention, "You are definitely someone I could fall for." Then he will turn around and say if it gets emotional it has to stop.
I know this all makes me morally bankrupt and a huge cheater, but I've gotten myself into it and don't know what to do.
Sally
Sally, one of Oscar Wilde's stories has this memorable line. "When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one has a right to blame us." Admitting to being morally bankrupt is a defensive gesture so we won't throw stones at you. We're going to throw stones anyway.
You knew who your husband was before you married him. He hasn't changed. You thought you had the power to transform him, but you don't. Green bananas ripen and change color when you get them home. Tomatoes and lemons do the same. But not people. Greatness doesn't get concealed. You can't marry someone thinking they are keeping their light under a basket to surprise you.
Frankly, it's hard to see your canoodling coach as a person instead of a type. He's like the villain in an old-time melodrama. When he comes on stage, dressed in black and twirling his mustache, we know he's going to foreclose on the widow and seduce her daughter.
Coach has played this role many times. He has his lines down pat. Give the latest conquest the ground rules--spouses must never know--then play her emotions like a fiddle.
You've damaged four other people. We'd give you advice, but you already know what to do. You need a new cast of characters in your life, and your relationships need to be as healthy as your diet.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
