Direct Answers – Column for the week of May 15, 2006
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Daddy's Girl
I am in the process of getting divorced from my wife of 30 years, which she requested. My wife has been an excellent mother to our two children. Both are grown and married with children of their own. The entire family is religious. Marrying out of the religion is absolutely out of the question.
My wife has been having an affair since 2002, and my children don't know anything about it. In addition, he is from another religion. I only learned about it through information, including pictures and love poems, I found on our computer. Her betrayal of me and our marriage continues to hurt deeply.
Given my wife's ability to keep the affair secret, it's unlikely the children will learn about it on their own. I am not looking for them to abandon their mother as she has been, and I'm sure will continue to be, a good mother to them. Primarily, I am looking to make them understand what I am going through today.
Do I tell the kids? And if so, only in person, or can it be done in a letter. Also, do I include some of the overwhelming evidence? By the way, my wife's father had an affair, divorced her mother, and married the woman.
Frederic
Frederic, when we say someone had an affair, it sounds like one event. Actually, an affair involves thousands of mental acts, and living a double life is a huge psychological burden, a burden most cheaters are unable to bear. That is why they often accuse their spouse of being unfaithful, even when that spouse is the last person in the world who might cheat.
Add your wife's religious background to this, and she needs to make it your fault, at least in her own mind. Confession is supposed to be good for the soul, but she will be tempted to prevaricate for two reasons: to alleviate her own sense of wrongdoing, and to avoid appearing as a hypocrite--one who gave a religious teaching to her children which she does not follow herself.
Many people can't lie for a day or two, yet she lied for four years. She found pleasure in her desire. Time and energy were stolen from her family. Many decisions and acts she made during that time affected her family, but they were made because of the way they affected her lover.
So should you tell the kids? You can't lie by omission as she did. Her wrongdoing shouldn't make a liar out of you. If she was in jail, would you tell the kids she was in Hawaii? What if they found out later? Your honesty would be brought into question.
Perhaps the best way to tell the children is the way they learned of the divorce. Don't tell them in anger, and keep it simple. Make what you say perfectly clear. If they doubt its occurrence, let them know it is not a matter of belief, but a matter of knowledge. Don't offer evidence unless asked.
If you tell them in person or on the phone, both parties will be left with their own perception of what was said. If you tell them in a letter, they will have a written record in their hands forever. It's probably best to tell them sooner rather than later.
One of the problems with good people is they can look at bad behavior in others and not see it. Why? Because it is not something they themselves would do, so they don't suspect a loved one would do it.
The best way to understand the implications of behavior--whether it's infidelity or global warming--is to look it square in the face. The best way for your children to understand their own lives is to understand the lives of others, including their parents. The best way for us to live is in accordance with reality.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
